I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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