There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
