i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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