dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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