Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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