I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
