Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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