Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
