Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
