Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
