I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
