I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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