remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
