I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
