Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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