I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
