my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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