You're my little dorito
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
