I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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