the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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