well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
