I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
