So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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