my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
