he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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