Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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