Please, let me fuck your mom
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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