haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
