just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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