"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
