I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
