my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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