I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
