I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
