I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
