I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
