please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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