we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
