I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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