Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
