You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
