I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
