After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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