The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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