Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
