Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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