And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
