I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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