Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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