I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
