Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
