my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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