I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize