Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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