yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
