Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize