I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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