please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
