she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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