God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
